At 8:40 pm on February 1st 2014, budding comedian Jiminy Yorkshire took the stage at Sammy's Bar and Deli open mic. What transpired in the four minutes following him speaking into the mic lead to the audience up in arms about what he had done to them. The bartender/deli clerk called the authorities, who arrested Jiminy immediately.

When asked about charges, police on the scene said "Half the audience say he killed, and half say he bombed. Either way, he's being brought in for murder."

8:40:05 Jiminy walked to the stage, not seeing the host extend his arm for a handshake, and instead goes for a hug. The host stepped under his arm, and patted his back as he left Jiminy alone.

8:40:15 Jiminy clears his throat several times into the mic.

8:40:20 Jiminy's first words into a microphone are "This is my first time doing stand-up."

8:40:21 Jiminy begins telling a story about a homeless man on the subway that was "pretty much Miley Cyrus."

8:42:15 Jiminy coughs into the mic.

8:42:20 Jiminy looks at his set list and whispers "what else did I want to talk about..."

8:42:25 Jiminy states "Oh, I know. Here's a character I've been working on," and proceeds with his character "Captain Picard proposing to his girlfriend." Which is just him yelling "Engage!"

8:42:35 Jiminy states "There's gotta be Star Trek fans in a room of depressed comedians.

8:42:37 Jiminy chuckles to himself, and wipes his brow.

8:42:40 A comedian in the audience whispers to his friend "This guys pretty good."

8:42:43 His friend laughs for a second, and then asks if he was being serious.

8:42:45 Jiminy announces he will do some crowd work, and asks who has been dating. Please note that this is the last time Jiminy addresses the audience directly.

8:42:50 Jiminy begins a prolonged act out of the Tinder app going on a date with the OKCupid app. By the end of the joke, they have both realize they're Grindr apps.

8:43:45 Jiminy exhales loudly, and asks how much time he has left.

8:43:47 The host yells "you got about ten seconds."

8:43:50 Jiminy exhales into the mic again.

8:43:52 Jiminy says "there's more to that joke, but I ran out of time."

8:43:55 Jiminy tries to put the mic in the mic stand, but it keeps slipping out. He does not notice that the host is now on stage with him.

8:44:00 As Jiminy still struggles to get the mic in the stand, the host speaks into the mic "give it up for Jonathan Yorky!"

By the end of his set, the bartender/deli clerk had called the authorities. Within ten minutes Jiminy Yorkshire was arrested.

On February 15th, the official court case will be held trying Jiminy Yorkshire for murder. More specifically, whether he bombed or killed when he went up to do comedy.

YOU are being summoned for jury duty. By reading any part of this, we take it as your acceptance of this role, and are glad to hear you are excited about your duty as an American citizen.

If appealing this summons appeals to you, you may show up on the 15th and explain why you are unable to make it.

If you choose to ignore this request, action can be taken. If you avoid this action, it can become an action adventure. If you fall in love along the way, it will be categorized a romantic action adventure by the government. In this scenario, if and when the authorities catch up to you, we ask that you avoid vulgar language so that we can maintain a family friendly tone, and hopefully retain a PG rating of your arrest.

The case will be February 15th 8pm, at The Parlor 1434 North Western.

-Ian Abramson