It all started yesterday. I was returning from my open mic, The Boatless Booze Cruise at Weeds Tavern (Every Tuesday at 1555 N Dayton!), known as one of the greatest mics near an Apple Store, when I was suddenly attacked.
Maybe attacked isn't the right word. But a van pulled up, masked men and women hopped out and threw me inside.
"Why am I here?" I asked.
"The Dear Leader wants to see you," answered what I think was a woman, because she had on lots of jewelry on her wrists. "He has important news to tell you."
"The one and the same," answered another man, who looked like he probably played college football. "Now, it's best if you shut up."
They then blindfolded me. We drove for what seemed like hours. We came to an abrupt stop and I was dragged out of the van. They took off the blindfold and one short man pointed to a door.
"Go that way," said the not-tall man, who also had a Macklemore haircut. "Your answers lie below. Or maybe lay below. I never learned that stuff. Michigan has bad public schools."
I opened the door and walked in. It was a huge chasm, with stairs that seemed to go down forever, or maybe just a few stories. I started walked down.
The smell of sulfur hung heavy in the air. Occasionally a rat wearing a reporter's hat would scurry by. Finally, I found a door that said, "Bathroom." I entered.
This was the lair of the elusive editor and leader of The Whiskey Journal, one Kyle Scanlan, a man some say was forged in fire, myth and red hair. Strewn about his desk were recent copies of Newsweek, which was amazing because that magazine had gone out of print a year ago.
Scanlan beckoned me to come sit, and pointed to a stack of Life magazines fashioned into a chair. As an employee of The Whiskey Journal, I was told I could never look directly into Scanlan's eyes, but it was okay to look into just one, preferably the left one, as it's the prettier eye. So I could feel his gaze upon my own face while I stared at his shoes, which were size 14 red Chuck Taylor high-tops.
While he sat answering my questions he pet the remains of a fossilized baby dinosaur, which somehow cooed when he spent extra time working the tail. He held a flashlight the entire time, shining it in my face.
I have edited the interview for grammar, brevity and libel issues:
Andy Boyle: Tell me why you brought me down here.
Kyle Scanlan: Why? Are you scared?
KS: Good. That's how I like my employees to feel. We here at The Whiskey Journal model our employee-manager relations after General Electric in the 1950s.
AB: That makes a lot of sense, especially with the hourly beatings. Now why am I here?
KS: I prefer if you'd address me as Sir Kyle The Great.
AB: ...Sir Kyle The Great, why am I here?
KS: We have launched a redesigned website. It's at TheWhiskeyJournal.com. It is amazing, allowing users to find all of our content.
AB: Who designed it?
AB: Sigh. Who designed it, Sir Kyle The Great?
KS: Why, I did, of course, with my own brain and also my mind. But then I told you, Andy Boyle The Lesser, to actually implement it in Wordpress.
AB: Yes, I recall you forcing me to do this. It would seem I did an amazing job if you're actually allowing me to meet you, face to face.
KS: The job you did was enough. I think you went overboard on the red.
AB: That was part of your design, Sir Kyle The Great.
KS: Well it was just a mock-up, my good man, you could've taken more liberties.
AB: I'll remember that next time. What else can you tell me about the site?
KS: You can search through our more than 420 articles, which we've painstakingly written during the last two years. Also, the site is meant to look bodacious on whatever device you use, whether it's an iPhone, an Android tablet or your Xune.
AB: I don't think people actually ever owned Xunes.
KS: That's impossible. I use a Xune every day. I made it mandatory that all employees use Xunes!
AB: We didn't listen to that rule.
KS: Sounds like I need to up the beatings to every 30 minutes, not just every hour. You'll learn to love the Xune in time.
AB: I really hope not.
KS: You talk back a lot for someone who I could have killed at any moment.
AB: I apologize, Sir Kyle The Great.
KS: That's better. Anywho, now that The Whiskey Journal has launched its redesigned website, hired a host of new employees and become the most important source of news for people under the age of 14, we have something even greater to announce.
AB: What's that?
KS: You'll have to come back tomorrow to find out!
Then everything went to black. Hours later I woke up with an icepack on my head and throbbing pain in my skull. Had it all been a dream? Had I actually met Sir Kyle The Great? And would I have to come back the next day to find out more?
The only thing I knew, was TheWhiskeyJournal.com was definitely redesigned, because I did it, and that you can never trust a man with a fossilized dinosaur for a pet.