King iO's Decree

I, Ian Oswald, the Only Royal King of the iO Theater Network, hereupon issue a decree!

In mine kingly wisdom, I HOLD IN CONTEMPT, the three naifs responsible for Super Talent Show, a.k.a. The iO Theater's most depraved and disgusting sketch show in history! I hate this sketch show! And I'm the king!

But don't just take my (holy) word for it, I have thus enumerated everything these awful fops did during their first two shows! 

  • Blocked the fire exit
  • Borrowed someone's phone charger without returning it
  • Searched "Jennifer Lawrence Nudes" on Bing
  • Fed a Celiac sufferer gluten-filled bread 
  • Raised money for ISIS
  • Crushed a child's dreams
  • Repeatedly mispronounced Charna's first name
  • Claimed Yeezus is a better record than My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy
  • Imported African dictator Joseph Kony unto the United States
  • Swiped right on every Tinder match just to text “Yo u up?” to the recipient
  • Underage drinking and partying without adult supervision
  • Spoiled season 5 of Game of Thrones
  • Uttered the Unspeakable Words unto the Divine Wishing Rod
  • Texted Stephen Baldwin, "You r the funniest Bald.Bro” just to be mean
  • Broke Christian’s brand new Xbox One
  • Asked for the time and then repeatedly screamed “IDGAF! IDGAF! IDGAF!”
  • Unironically watched The Bachelorette
  • Released the hounds

Not only were all these heinous acts committed in the sacred name of comedy! They also desecrated the iO Stage with a variety of sticky and disgusting liquids! These Machiavellian maniacs drenched the stage in the following:

  • Pudding
  • Gum
  • Canola oil
  • Clam juice
  • Pineapple Savage
  • Zima
  • Artisan coffee grounds
  • Slime
  • Moxie
  • Dog phlegm
  • Mountain Dew Baja Blast
  • Baby breath
  • Plasma
  • Non-maple syrup

What will they do next!? This is unacceptable! These three Super Talent boys have made a mockery of my fine humor institution! That is why, on May 9th at 10:30pm, I will be presenting them with my grievances LIVE! I will hijack their show and turn it into something respectable!

Of course I mean, a reality competition show with celebrity judges. That'd be much more like a talent show--not some weird abrasive alt-comedy garbage! Yes, I'm sure I, in mine kingly wisdom, can reform these three humorists! After I'm through with them, they'll be the perfect fit for a major-network sketch comedy revue featuring a celebrity host. Perhaps MAD TV2

Anyway, if I'm wrong, then may I be cast out of the old iO Theater on Clark Street, which is where I live now.