Dear Diary,
Jude here, with some big news. (after being pushed back a million times for things like Jangleheart, HIJINKSfest, and prom) is FINALLY tomorrow!
In case you didn’t know, diary (AS IF I HAVEN’T TALKED ABOUT IT ENOUGH) HIJINKSBUSTERS is my DREAM SHOW! I get be a HIJINKSBUSTERS for one whole night! I get to be Jamie, Venkman, Adam, Slimer AND Carl Spackler all wrapped in a JUDE BLANKET SANDWICH! O.M.Gosh! I hope all the girls think I’m cute after the show! I’m talking to you, Steph Cook (don’t tell, diary! :-P!!!).
When I first came up with everyone’s individual HIJINKS (HIJINKS=Myth *~*ObViOuSlY*~*), I just thought it would be funny to see that specific person do it, little did I know I had stumbled upon their greatest weaknesses!
For example, Kyle is busting the HIJINKS of “Born this Way”. Kyle is going to two different bars (one straight, one gay) and see where he has the most success. Now, Kyle is a very quiet guy (I heard he once peed his pants in class because he was too shy to ask to go to the bathroom), so we are throwing Kyle into his biggest social nightmare.
I HOPE YOU DON’T THINK I’M AWFUL, DIARY, but I took a peek into Kyle’s diary. Here’s what he had to say:
“I think I had never really thought through the actual realities and logistics of “picking up” a woman at a bar (especially while I’m just there, all by myself, looking like a dumb weirdo and wearing the too-tight clothing everyone is suggesting I wear), and if I was an actual single man there’s no way I’d ever just go out and meet women in that way, because it is very humiliating to me. I’m mostly nervous about the opening-line part of the interaction: there’s literally no context for me to just walk up to a woman at a bar, and on top of that no good reason for me to even speak with them at all, so what am I doing wasting their time? And then I have to get their phone number? I hate this, and I hate HIJINKSBUSTERS! Everyone’s framing this as an intervention of sorts for me (and especially for my wardrobe) but these are also the people who convinced me to grow a mustache for a bit and INSISTED that it made me look funnier, so I question the purity of their motives.”
Poor Kyle! He’s so paranoid for no reason! Also, he needs to hide his diary better!
This reminds me of something, diary…
Alex’s (DIARY, PEOPLE KEEP THINKING WE’RE DATING AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO! WE’RE NOT! SHE’S A POOPY FACE WITH POOP IN HER VAGINA!) HIJINKS that she will be busting is the “The Outliers” HIJINKS, or the idea that you only need to spend 10,000 hours working on something to become a master of it.
DIARY, I cannot believe the HUGE guest I got to challenge Alex (and no, it’s not Ralphie May, Alex’s favorite comedian). Anyone who knows Alex knows that she loves to know everything about a show beforehand, and loves to make sure it’s great. She also loves to procrastinate until the last fucking second. However, this month she has no idea what she’ll be doing until the day of the show, and will only have ten hours to prepare.
Here’s what Alex’s diary said:
“I’m usually super worried about everything leading up to a show, and am this time as well, but not about my own HIJINKS. I’m expecting that prepping for my HIJINKS will be like prepping for a Nerd Off in ‘King Of The Nerds’, which sounds pretty fun. Mostly, I’ve just been hoping that everyone else will be okay at the end of the night. Mike, are you drinking enough water? Clayton, I’m afraid for your brain.”
Speaking of, Clayton’s HIJINKS is “Can You Get Too High?”. He will smoke for 12 hours, come to the theatre, and compete against a sober audience member in an obstacle course. Time to get real, diary. Clayton is one of the best performers around (AND IS REALLY CUTE!!!) and I always feel safe when he is on stage. However, for this show, he will basically be paralyzed and won’t be able to save this show if it goes off the rails.
I talked to Clayton about it while he was stealing my lunch money and he had this to say:
“I'm pretty stoked, honestly. I don't think it'll be difficult, though I'll probably be sleepy and useless by show time. Without having to take any edibles, though, I doubt I'll be totally paranoid or freaked out or anything like that. Also, I don't want to get fired, so I'm being vague and probably talking about candy or some shit like that.”
Finally, Mike is busting the “Mind over Platter” HIJINKS. Mike has been on a Pizza Fast for an entire month, and has been juice cleansing all week. At the show, It’s his job not to eat pizza, and my job to make him eat pizza. (pssst: This might be the only time that I will have any sort of power over Mike, and I know that he probably hates this so much.).
Mike had this to say while he was trying to set ants on fire:
"No part of the preparation or execution of this myth was difficult. This entire process has been one giant exercise in wasting my time."
(“I don’t believe him.”-Jude)
Probably the biggest thing that makes me (and probably the rest of HIJINKS) nervous is that I’m completely writing the whole show. MY FIRST BIG WRITING GIG! My typical writing role within HIJINKS is to pitch ideas and then assessing the show once we put it up. But, the actual task of writing it is usually where I’m the least helpful. Especially when you have Alex and Mike, who are the best at writing (and kissing (except not Alex)), Kyle, who writes the funniest jokes (and has the cutest butt), and Clayton who makes everything funny (and CUTE!).
However, none of that happened this month. Everything will be a surprise for everyone! And, it will probably be a surprise to me because it might just explode in my face.
Well, I better get some sleep! Tomorrow's going to be a big day!
Good night, diary!
-JUDE
P.S. I hope this diary never gets out to the public. I’d be so embarrassed…
Hijinks is tomorrow, Saturday, March 7th at 10:30pm at iO. Tickets available now!