The first trailer for Star Wars: Episode Seven is creating a lot of buzz.
In addition to the trailer, a series of emails between Star Wars creator George Lucas and current director J.J. Abrams have been leaked to the public:
Hello Mr. Lucas,
As you may have heard, The Walt Disney Company has chosen me to direct the next Star Wars film and continue the great legacy that you began. Your films mean a great deal to me and I'm excited to bring new ideas into the fold. Consider this an open invitation to visit the set and contribute ideas.
Hi J.ar J.ar,
Thank you for reaching out. Just some ideas off the top of my head that I have always envisioned for the next Star Wars:
1. Please put as many ships that are designed for galactic travel close to the surface so people know that the series is willing to get a little dangerous.
2. Make a lightsaber hilt, so that if someone drops it, they immediately lose their hands (it's sorts of a running theme; a subtle motif)
3. A Black Stormrtrooper
That last one is just because I like to have one black character per trilogy (Mace Windu, Lando Calrissian, and now: A Stormtrooper!)
Alright, very excited that you're letting me consult on this. It's sort of like I'm in charge, and you do the work of carrying out my commands.
Thanks for letting me be your Phantom Menace, Darth!
George "Light Saber Swish" Lucas
This is Stan from the writing team. J.J. says he's too busy to respond to your emails. Also, though I'm not sure what the "J.J." in J.J. stands for I'm pretty sure it isn't Jar Jar. Just FYI. He prefers just J.J. Again, just FYI.
Personally, I love the idea of black stormtrooper. Let's not beat around the bush by making him a clone of some New Zealand dude. Let's get funky!
The team has been going back and forth about the other ideas and while we appreciate your input 100%, some of these seem a little excessive. We just want to make a Star Wars movie. You know? Like the originals where there were only two kinds of light sabers. Red ones and blue ones and then a green one... all with light going out of just one side.
Finally, what's edgy about ships being close to the surface? Just wanna hear the thought process of a living legend here.
Stan from the writers room
Hi Obi Stan Kenobi (Old Stan Kenobi?),
The J.J. stands for Jar Jar, which is short for "Jar Jar Binks" a character I created in the star wars universe. You understand.
I don't know if I gave you this note yet or not, but Jar Jar is actually force sensitive, so feel free to have him train to be a jedi (or sith?)
I'm glad you agree on the storm trooper. What if, and I'm just blackballing here, but what if they re-cloned the whole army? Made them all black? I mean, talk about solidarity! I don't know if you saw my movie about the all black pilots a few years back, but the best part was that it made a strong comment on the power of people working together.
I understand where you're coming from about the lightsabers, but you have to understand that I know better because I created Star Wars. I always envisioned a light saber with side lasers, so that if you threw it, it could spin and be more likely to get stuck in a wall. Also it's a symbol for our lord and savior's crucifixion. Please remember that you'd be denying God by not doing this.
By flying X-Wings, Tie Fighters, and Millennium Falcons (there is only one, but it doesn't have to be that way) close to the ground, you remember that these are MACHINES! Made for space! If they explode, no one inside can breath! But... What if they could breathe? What if they crashed, and people got out, and into a nearby one? It's comment on global warming, misusing technology, and in the wrong atmosphere and stuff. You'll be killing Earth (Dagobah) if you don't do this.
George "Sound of Yoda Grunting" Lucas
Hello Mr. Lucas,
J.J. again. Something about your last email prompted Stan from the writing team to forward it to Disney brass. It is my understanding that they were not thrilled.
I'll admit this is partially my fault for sending you an "open invitation" to contribute ideas. I guess the best way to phrase this is that the hypothetical invitation was more partially open than open open (if open at all.)
"Open," by the way, is the name of a new character in the Star Wars universe. We wrote him into existence this morning.
I'll level with you, George. I like you. I grew up on your films and I'm sorry to have put us in the awkward situation. Future conversations between us will be CC'd to Disney brass for legal purposes.
Between you and me we've added 20 scenes that involve space ships flight dangerously close to land as well as a black storm trooper. The lightsaber I absolutely can not do. I'm really sorry but I hope you understand.
J.J. Binks ;)
I want you to take a second here. I want you to close your eyes, and picture a man in a dark cloak. He's in a forest, and his cloak moves beautifully in the wind. He looks mysterious, and dangerous, the same way Jabba the Hutt did in Return of the Jedi.
He spins a few times, his hands in the air, snow and dust coming off the ground, he's probably humming to himself, and we realize this man has two things: A beard and a light saber. He makes light saber sounds with his mouth, as if it is on, but the thing is JJ: It's not on. You've got a slightly overweight man in a cloak, in the middle of a forest pretending to use a lightsaber, but the lightsaber is real.
He takes off his glasses, and winks. He turns on his light saber, and its as beautiful as the Ewok village.
And then. After just a beat, two smaller lightsabers pop out on either side. We're watching a new advancement in an ancient technology. A religion, and way of life based on trusting the universe at large and using it's power to your advantage has finally decided that two extra light sabers would be the thing it needs. Also though, the metal parts are still totally vulnerable, so it's not like this hooded figure in the forest has become TOO powerful.
This man is me. Fade to black, except for one gold tooth I'll have put in. Zoom in on it, and it's C3PO's face. The Howard the Duck theme song begins to play, and the release date pops up.
If that doesn't sell you, then nothing will.
Also, tell Disney to do a feature length movie about Mickey mouse getting a fifth finger, but just on one hand (leaves room for a sequel)
Your father (You didn't see that coming, did you?)
As mentioned, the previous email was CC'd to Disney higher ups. It is my understanding that you have completely convinced them. They love every single idea you came up, with which means that I have to fight tooth and nail for any logic to be preserved in this franchise.
I am not pleased.
Do you understand that I created "Felicity?" I should not have to deal with this. I promise you, George that I will develop a special "teaser trailer" with weird laser swords and space ships practically crashing and a black guy. I CAN NOT guarantee that these scenes will ever be in the final product.
I still respect you, and may the force be with you.
Jeffry Jacob Abrams
Post Script: I absolutely do not respect you.
- George Lucas