If God was One of Us, On a Bus, She Would Want a Boner by Caitlin Bergh

I was sitting on the bus the other night when I had a pretty interesting thought. I thought, hey, it would be really nice to have a boner right now. I wasn’t even aroused, it just seemed like a prime boner time. Lonely bus, sitting in the back row, had the back row all to myself. A boner would be interesting right now. It would keep me company. A boner would be my friend. But I’ll never have a boner, because I don’t have a penis.

What does it feel like to have a boner? I’ll never know. But I can imagine that it’s pretty fun. You have an exciting idea and then part of your body sticks out of you. It would be like if every time I had an exciting idea, my knee would do that kicking thing it does when the doctor hits it with a hammer. So I’d see a cute lady on the bus and my lower legs would just suddenly stick out. It seems almost cartoonish, the boner. Like cartoon eyes bulging at the sight of a pretty gal.

Women’s arousal is far less comical. Being aroused anywhere but at home is a major inconvenience. I sincerely hate being aroused in the winter in Chicago when I’m out and about, because, well, moisture happens and, well, it’s freezing outside, and, well, before you know it…you’ve got a vagcicle. Yes, a vag-icicle. In theory. But not for real. Because it never completely freezes because your vag is like a human oven. Instead, it just kind of chills. Just chilly moisture in your hot oven vag. Completely terrible sensation. Have you ever had a sandwich that was a hot sandwich, but some idiot put like freezing cold mustard on it? So when you bite in, it is luscious and warm, but there’s freezing mustard destroying your experience every time it comes into contact with one of the sides of your toasty hot mouth? That’s what lady-arousal-moisture feels like in the winter.

I’m sure it’s hard for women in tropical climates, too, as they are basically walking around with a swamp in between their legs every time they think about fucking. That might actually even be dangerous in certain deep, hot, rainforest settings. I’m no scientist, but I could see how that would turn from just a hot oven to a hot bacteria oven. And if you’ve ever had first-hand experience with bacterial vaginosis, you know how life-altering that can be. (Please God, I’ll do anything to never encounter BV again, anything, anything, if you are out there! God?! Noooooooo!)

So I guess the appeal of the boner is not that it is more convenient than lady-arousal-moisture, because they are both obviously a total pain when you are going about your life. And, surely, with the boner, it must be quite frustrating to have everyone KNOW what you are thinking. So it isn’t less awkward or embarrassing. But I guess the appeal of the boner is simply that it is dry. And that maybe on a lonely bus, sitting there with a boner would be more interesting. A boner can be a friend. And it can be a lot funnier and more fun than just sitting in a pool of cold mustard.