This isn’t going to be easy for a lot of people to hear, but I need to get this off my chest so we can move forward. I’m hearing a lot of things in the comedy world that are negative, downright offensive and borderline hate speech. Mostly directed at me, a real comedian.
I go into comedy rooms, often times once (sometimes twice!) a week, and I’m made to feel unwelcome. Words are thrown around like, “idiot,” or “fat idiot”. One time I was told, “[You] stink.” I’ve heard, “stupid asshole” and “piece of shit” and even “a human sized clump of dog diarrhea in clothes disguised as a person.” I have done nothing to deserve this kind of abuse besides be judgmental and never think before I speak.
Not only am I taking abuse, the comedy police are trying to silence me. Not so fast you fucking assholes, I’m going to silence you first. I went to an open microphone in the basement of a bar last week and told a story about a woman farting on the bus, and four minutes into it, some dickhole waves a lit up cell phone at me. Sure thing Mr. Comedy Hitler. Fuck that dumplick, right? So after I finished my joke and started making comments about Indians and their really funny voices, he starts waving the phone again. Then he comes up to the stage (a slightly elevated block of wood about 3 feet across) and angrily says, “please wrap it up, we have a long list.” What a chode. Well, chode, consider yourself silenced. I forget the guy’s name, but I bet you can find him on twitter @fuckin’dildo or something, so tweet mean stuff to him. With the millions that read this article, that should take care of him.
As a comedian, it’s my job to get attention. Not be funny. Get it through your head, dongshits. But, I’ve found that in the 6 months that I’ve been telling people I’m a stand up comedian, that it’s much easier to get attention by writing a piece about comedy and hope someone famous retweets you.
Please talk about me in the comments below.
[Dear Editor: Please use a picture of Daniel Tosh or Patton Oswalt to promote this post.]