Dear Comcast,
My name is Richard R. Douglas and I have been getting comcastic service from you for the last three years. Recently I received a letter from you folks claiming that I had been downloading movies illegally from something called The Pirates Bay. I will have you know I am the victim of an elaborate plot from my neighbor Tad Crumple. Tad has hacked me. I have been hacked. I am being charged with copyright violations and I will not stand for it.
The letter I received from you claims that I am in possession of films like Avatar, Sucker Punch, Transformers 3: The Dark of the Moon, and something called Brave that I can only assume is some sort of action film with Will Smith or Mel Gibson. This is impossible. I do not watch feature films. I am adult with sophisticated tastes and interests. The only media I consume is cartoons featuring and related to the wonderful world of My Little Pony. Do any of the above films feature a single pony? NO, no sir they do not. This is how I know it could not be me.
When I am home from my job, night managing a Kinkos, I like to relax in the world of My Little Pony. I view myself as a grown human version of the shy and reserved pony Fluttershy. We both are nervous around strangers but if you took the time to get to know us, I bet you would find out that we are interesting people/ponies. I spend my nights working harder than Applejack herself (she works on a farm day and night) and do not deserve to be accused of stealing films that I would never watch. Why would I watch something as silly as a movie about talking robots fighting with the kid from Even Stevens when I spend my time wrapped in world where friendship truly is magic.
I know that my neighbor Tad stole my internet. He knows that my internet is named Equestria after the magical land of the ponies. He must have guessed my password. In hindsight yes, Pinkie Pie is not the best choice for a password it should have had a number on it. But what was I supposed to do? Pinkie Pie loves to throw parties and so do I, on the internet. If you are ever free you should come to my site ponyboyfriendmagic.anglefire.com where I post humorous GIFS of my favorite ponies from my favorite episodes.
I know it was Tad, he hates me and the Fluttershy body pillow I plan on making my wife. He says that it’s just a pillow and that I need to wash it and that a 40 year old man shouldn’t carry it around to go to Papa John’s. To that, I say "would you drown your wife in a soapy lake?" If your wife loved the smell of freshly baked pizza and enjoyed the savings that you can only get by picking the pizza up yourself, WHAT WOULD YOU DO COMCAST?
I implore you to not take away my internet. I did not steal these films. It was Tad. I only use my internet to make Tumblr pages for all my best Pony stories. If you drop the charges against me, I will send you some. I bet you would like it. Have you ever watched My Little Pony? Many prominent people are fans of the ponies. Like Gabe Newell creator of Valve Software and my friend xxponyfanzboobzxx he says he is Donald Trump’s son Doug. Doug is going to build a theme park where people like me can take my pillow friend and get married, and ride rides, and be free of the persecution of modern America. Maybe Mr. Comcast could donate to help us build our park. I have been sending Doug half my paycheck every month to help him show his dad (The Donald) that people are serious about this park. Doug says that Fluttershy and I will be the first people married there.
Please don’t take my internet away. Thank you. Remember FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC.
Richard R. Douglas
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