Your Generation Needs To GET REAL
by Dr. Everything

Hi, I hate to break it to you, but everyone in your generation is sad.

I expected your reaction. I know your generation has a problem with the truth, so I wanted to back up my claim with some research that I drawed.

This is you:

See the frowning mouth? I rest my case, but I digress.

Its not your fault. Your generation was just too coddled. You grew up with all these non-competitive kite festivals, Hippy dippy animal professors, and overly compassionate, touchy feely robot butlers. Don't believe me? 

Hm. Interesting...

Your soft upbringing left you feeling entitled and special, and now all of the sudden you are getting hit with the thick pooty-fart of reality. 

You think you have a tough time entering the workforce? 

Let me tell you a story. When I was very young I got my first job working at a grocery store. We were located on a front lawn, we sold little plastic food, my boss was a child, and I got paid in toy money! 

Instead of complaining, you should taking a lesson from your Grandparents, The Greatest Generation. Famous for being mankind's first generation to get to pick their own name. They were obsessed with time-honored values like economic security, white supremacy, and hard work! 

Equipped with their salt of the Earth mentality, and the problem solving power of violence, they taught their kids, your parents, the value of forced happiness.

That's right, the Baby Boomers. The happiest generation in the history of all ever.

You'll never see a sad Baby Boomer, because they believe in the simple equation "HAPPINESS = OBEDIENCE + BUY STUFF - QUESTIONS" It's that simple, spaghetti heads.

You might be asking, "What gives you the right to say this?" Well, for one, I've got tons of college degrees.

Still don't believe me? I can draw as much research as you need. I have two fresh pencils and loads of paper.

I think I've covered all my bases so let me just leave your generation with some advice: 

1. Find a sorcerer who can change you from drawings to people. 

Get real! It doesn't have to be the best sorcerer, keep your expectations in check. It's going to be a tough road, but you won't be able to showcase your talents and make something of yourself if you are trapped inside my desk drawer. 

2. If you cut yourself on some glass four days ago, don't just let it bleed. 

Word to the wise. If I had this whole life to do over again, I would have went to the hospital four days ago, instead of drawing "healing pills" and trying to eat my notebooks. 

3. Stay positive! 

Someone will come for you before all the oxygen leaves your brain. Keep your eyes in front of you, reach beyond your fingers, and never take why for an answer. 

 -Andrew Smerker has written for The Onion News Network and The Late Live Show. You can barely find him on Twitter @saidsmerker. He thinks Walt is going to eat the Ricin.