This weekend, our Uncle Rob will be reborn in the image and likeness of our dark lord and savior, Follicanis. It’s a big day for everyone, and we’d love to share the food, the fun, and the ceremony with you.
Uncle Rob's Big Day is an immersive experience. You will meet a variety of characters and be invited to explore the entirety of our homestead. You can follow one character the whole time, or you can follow wherever your interest takes you. You'll often be rewarded with interesting discoveries if you pay close attention. And this is a real BBQ. Uncle Rob's Big Day is completely free, but we would be grateful if you brought along some hot dogs or beer.
It will be occurring four times: October 4 and 5, at 3:00 pm and 4:15 pm. If interested, please email with the date and time you’d like to attend. Once you’re confirmed, we’ll send you the address of our homestead and a few preparatory notes.
Ordinarily, the god of luscious full hair, Follicanis, demands a high level of secrecy. But recently, a series of letters between Uncle Rob’s niece and nephew, the twins Gary and Stephanie, was leaked to the press. They can be read in their full, unfiltered form below, offering a rare glimpse inside the lives of this extraordinary family.
-Gary Pascal & Steph Cook
Dear My Twin Sister Stephanie,
Hi! It's me, Your Twin Brother Gary. I am writing from my foster father Bernard's home. It is strange and I do not like it. He has a dog, and, I think, too many posters of JaMarcus Russell. The dog's name is JaMarcus Russell Terrier. My foster father Bernard says, "it makes sense because he is a Jack Russell Terrier." I just call him Stephanie for short, he is starting to catch on. The dog, I mean. My foster father Bernard does not answer to anything but "foster father Bernard."
I do not like our court-ordered separation period. Our case worker Jonas says it is because he is trying to "tame our unhealthy incestuous urges." Whatever that means. I just like to have a good time! It is good for us to be close, if you ain't have family you ain't have nothing.
I can't wait to see you at the BBQ this weekend! Jonas and foster father Bernard are letting me attend as a special treat on the condition that I am on my best behavior. He says that means we are not allowed to play Kentucky Brown-Out. You know, the game where we race to see how many craisins we can get in each other's butts before one of us does a toot. He says it is a day for Follicanis only, and not any horseplay.
Anyway, I should go. It is Tuesday so I have to help foster father Bernard give his baseball trophies a bath. Can't wait for this weekend!
Achingly,
Your Twin Brother Gary
Dear My Twin Brother Gary,
Hello, it's me, Your Twin Sister Stephanie. I do not like you at your foster father Bernard's home, I have been having a bad time. Every day I march down to the courthouse and hold up a sign in protest of this "trial separation for unhealthy behavior." If true love is unhealthy, then let me die rotting in it! Jonas has taken to locking me in my room so that I cannot protest, though he does not know that I secretly cut a hole in my wall to the outside and still sneak out. The judges at the courthouse are most confused, but some old men wearing "Alabama the band" t-shirts have started joining me, as they, too, believe in true love between family.
I cannot wait until the BBQ. I already have a wish I will give to Follicanis, though I cannot tell you out loud, I know you can read in my mind what it is. Craisins not needed, though toots will be aplenty.
Jonas is returning from his daily Egg Salad Sandwich Making Class soon, so I must get away from the internet. He always makes me eat the new Egg Salad Sandwich of the Day, so I have to get my stomach ready, as YOU know I cannot tolerate egg and have to coat my stomach in molasses.
I will see you this weekend.
Lustily,
Your Twin Sister Stephanie
Dear My Twin Sister Stephanie,
It is great to hear from you, even under such trying times from the overlords of our forbidden love. I hope you remember to bring the "football" (wink) so we can toss it "around" (wink) and have "sex" (wink). If you are wondering why I am speaking in code, it is because I think my foster father Bernard is monitoring my letters to you. He has taken down many of his JaMarcus Russell posters and is sullen when we talk about his achievements as an Oakland Raider, even when I remind him that JaMarcus Russell is a fat, washed-up bust doing hard time for codeine syrup. I guess I'll never understand adults.
It is good to hear that you have found a way to escape Jonas through a hole you made. It reminds me of the song, "there's a place in France, where brothers and sisters explore each other's bathing suit parts. There's a hole in the wall where the boys can see it all." If I was in charge of the radio I'd play that song 24/7.
I, too, have a wish for Follicanis, though of course I cannot tell you either. I wouldn't want to be cursed with male-pattern pubic baldness. Which, of course, is the punishment for telling anyone your wish for Follicanis (Blessings and Hairpiece Be Upon Him).
Well, I'd better be going. Foster father Bernard needs help making dinner for JaMarcus Russell Terrier. Wednesday is Tapas Night for JaMarcus Russell Terrier, the theme this week is "disco fever".
Boneringly,
Your Twin Brother Gary
Dear My Twin Brother Gary,
I am writing this to you from across the street from your foster father Bernard's. I have run away from Jonas' home and am on the lam. I am watching you through the window. It is so good to see you again, and I see your beard made of stolen pubic hair is looking very good. I am living in the sewer until this weekend, when we can be reunited in person without fear of being caught.
I know this is what Follicanis (Hair be with You, and also with You) wants more than anything, for the two of us to be united again in His ceremony. I cannot wait.
Wetly,
Your Twin Sister Stephanie
PS - I have made some rat friends. They have full hair coats that I am using to make a Woman Face Beard, though I know it must never be seen in public. But I thought you should know, Hair Be Upon Us.