A Letter from Apple CEO Tim Cook by Mark Colomb

Good Day Consumers,

It's Tim Cook here. I hope this letter finds you well. Are you working hard and saving your money for a new iPhone 5S or the next iPad Maxi that we plan to release this summer? Our manufacturing partners are working day and night to bring you the the slightest of upgrades on all your favorite devices. Figured I would just drop you a line about some market research we have been doing about our Apple end users.

You know all those cameras on your phones, iPads, and computers? We had them set up to send us pictures of you every two minutes for the last five years. That's right, we know exactly what you've been doing and who you've been doing it with almost every minute of every day for the last five years. It's been a fascinating project for us. Trillions of terabytes of data on how you use your phones and what you do while you use your computers. Let me share some of it with you.

87% of all iPhone photos are of either food, pets, or someone's dick. The remaining 13% of photos are just your mom taking a picture of her lock screen. It's safe to say, that if you have a penis in America we have a picture of it. I told the board if we were smart we would create an app that makes your tiny little cocks bigger, but no one listens to me. What do you creeps do with all these photos? Are you sending them to people? Do you think there are any women out there who get a photo of your sad, pale, shriveled, little dick, and think to themselves, "Well, now that is something I need to get in me?" Based on the amount of food photos you folks are taking, it's a shock you can even find your dicks over your fat fucking bellies. 

Looking at the photos of the average iPad user most of our you are using our product while you shit. I know before he died Steve saw some of this data and couldn't believe that his gift to the world was a digital version of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader. Many of the iPad family of products retail for more than $500 and you people are using them to kill time while you pass last night's Papa Johns. In 2012 we installed a sensor in the iPad that could detect the amount of fecal matter on each unit. I won't share hard numbers with your but let's just say the average iPad is covered in more shit than a German shizer film.

Which brings me to the numbers coming out of our iMac family of products. Two decades of industrial design. Technical and aesthetic advances undreamt of even ten years ago. What do you perverts use it for? Jacking off. We have spent billions of dollars researching and designing what would have been the Sears lingerie catalog 30 years ago. What the fuck is the point? We essentially have an army of slaves in China making you a box to beat off with.

Do you know they used slide rules to do the math to send a man to the moon? Imagine the things you could be doing with the machines we built. Instead, you spend your days looking at chocolatecoveredbbw.tumblr.com. As far as I'm concerned, it wasn't the cancer that killed Steve, it was the thought of what you were doing with the actualization of his dreams. When he returned to the company in the late 90's, he dreamt of creating the perfect desktop machine. He would talk about all the art people would create once we gave them the tools. It broke his heart to see all the photos coming back of you fat monsters doing the things you do to yourselves when you think no one is watching.

Maybe we should have told you that we were filming you before today. To be honest we were scared that you would stop buying our products. But at this point what else are you going to do? We have our hooks in you and now you know about all the photos we have of you. The things you do when you're alone. The photos and texts you send at 3AM to some person that you "wnt 2 bang." So I hope that by revealing our rather intrusive research project, maybe I can shame you into being better people. That you can start to use Steve's gifts to create new and beautiful works of art. That you can stop taking pictures of your dicks for two seconds. But in lieu of that I hope that you line up and buy our next phone. I bet you're due for an upgrade.

We're Always Watching.

Tim Cook

- Mark Colomb