Trying to figure out the look to turn your spring fling into a sure thing? Thinking of a shirt to impress your distant parents? Wondering how you’re going to dazzle at the big office dance? You sir, are in for a treat.
Hot off NYFW (New York Fashion Week for the sartorially challenged), I am pleased to announce that I will be the purveyor of The Steamroller’s men’s fashion column.
Some of you may be asking: What qualifies you, the hottest comedian in the greater Midwest, to write about fashion? Well, first of all, I’m certainly not the hottest comedian in the greater Midwest (though objectively, I’m in the top 3).
Everything I’ve learned about men’s fashion, I learned from the greatest teacher of all: myself. From a young age I’ve always been interested (no, fascinated) in putting outfits together. From debonair toddler to dashing adult, I’ve redefined men’s fashion at least three times throughout the years. I was the first American to wear brown Crocs with black sweatpants, and of course we all remember Corduroygate in ‘03.
Sure, not all of my readers will be naturals like me, but I’m hear to teach. Using my own signature looks, I’m gonna show how to go from slob to Suave (© JC Penney). All you have to do, is follow my “Rules for ‘Success’” (© JC Penney).
Rule #1: Blend in with your surroundings
When you know you’re going out on the town, scout the location in advance. Try to note the colors you’ll be surrounded with all night. Then it’s time to get your chameleon on!
Rule #2: “Size” doesn’t Matter
DO. NOT. believe the tagline from the 1998 film Godzilla. People will try to box you in, they’ll say “buy clothes that fit you.” This is how John and Jane Q. Public try to make you one of them. Whatever shirt size fits comfortably go at least three sizes tighter. Remember, women wear corsets for a reason, tight is right!
Rule #3: Make your own Rules
The patriarchy wants to bound you to cultural norms. "Wear an undershirt," they’ll say, "have some dignity." Get your “rebel” on by refusing to conform.
Well folks, that’s your first set of “do’s and don’ts” (© JC Penney). If you stick to my advice, I can guarantee you’ll be the best dressed gent in any setting (to be honest, IDGAF what the setting is.) I’ve been called a lot of things in my day: friend, mentor, secular humanist; but the most important thing I’ve been called is a style guru (by Calista Flockhart, BEFORE she went ano). Keep reading this column, and maybe someday, you’ll stop being so pathetic!