Holy Hell, A Bird Is Inside by Dan Sheehan

Oh holy hell that’s a bird.

This wasn’t supposed to happen. Someone must have left the back door open or something. Oh Jesus this is going to ruin dinner. Who left that goddamn door open?

Are you supposed to touch birds? I read somewhere you’re not supposed to touch birds. I think they have diseases or something? I don’t know. What if it’s endangered, isn’t it illegal to touch the endangered ones? No, Carol, I do not know what an endangered bird looks like.

Oh man that little guy is confused. Oh god he’s diving again. Okay everyone open a window maybe he’ll just leave.

No Carol, I don’t think I have a broom, I’m sorry.

This always happens to me. This is just like that time a few years ago in that Thai restaurant with Kara. She seemed so aloof to it, like she didn’t even care about the bird. And she seemed mad that I cared about the bird. Kara knew I loved birds. How did they get it out of the Thai restaurant again? I think someone had a broom. I should buy a broom after this. Oh god there it goes again with the swooping. That thing is bouncing around like it’s blindfolded. It must be stunned.

Oh it died! The bird in the Thai restaurant, that’s how they got rid of it, it hit the window and died. Kara didn’t even really seem bummed about it, that should’ve been such a red flag and holy shit Carol for the last time no I do not own a broom. I will definitely own a broom after this but today I don’t own a broom and I’m sorry about that.

At this point the best thing I can think of is just to all wave our arms at it and maybe it’ll go in the direction we point it towards.

I really know nothing about birds so your guess is as good as mine, just sorta wave at it and maybe shout too, let’s also shout. Ok he’s close. There he goes! Yes! Hell yes!

Okay cool. He’s good.

Honestly I feel bad, he just was minding his own business and all we did was yell at him. It makes you wonder sometimes if we interfere with nature too much, I mean years ago this whole place was a forest and he could fly wherever he wanted but now man has meddled with nature. And both shall pay and for the love of god Carol, yes I’m sure the risotto is still safe to eat, Jesus.

-Dan Sheehan