A letter to Will Smith from his agent by Mark Colomb

Hey Big Willy,

This is the hardest part of an agent's job. It’s the morning after (pardon the pun) and it looks like After Earth isn’t going to "get clear” at the box office. As much as I want to blame this one on bad Thetans I really think our issues had more to do with that script. Yikes. Also, now that the film is out, I think some of the blame can be laid at the feet of M. Night; I think we are well within our rights to declare him and all eight of the screenwriters as suppressive persons. Let me break this one down for you Big Willy, we just need to stick to The Cause and to the teachings of L. Ron and everything is going to turn out OT. We need to continue to walk The Bridge to Total Freedom.

In the grand scheme of MEST (Matter, Energy, Space, and Time) I don’t think this will go down as mark against you or your family. Is it as bad as when Xenu loaded the frozen Thetans up in his galactic DC-8’s and flew them across the galaxy to earth only to drop them in volcanos and blow them up with nuclear bombs 75 million years ago? No. It’s not that bad. In fact, it’s not as bad as when that jerk Paul Haggis turned against The Cause. Big picture, it’s not that bad. Little of the blame for this one will land on your head. It’s all going to land on M. Night, as who we warned you, never really believed in The Cause.

I had the big man Tommy C. show the film to a large portion of SeaOrg on our cruise ship The Freewinds. Word from that screening was that the film was OT level 5. People couldn’t stop talking about how great it was. Some members of the SeaOrg laughed in the wrong parts of the film and we had them sent out to our home base in Florida. While there, they will have plenty of time to think about After Earth while they build Tommy C. a new yacht by hand. Who could have saw the lack of success of the film? The data we received from our internal screenings had the film rated considerably higher than Battlefield Earth. Maybe we should just stop making movies with the word "Earth" in the title? 

So where do we go from here, Big Willy? How can we get your career back on the path to OT Level 40? How can we cleanse the evil Thetans from your future? Maybe we can line up a sequel to Hitch? Before we do, I'll make sure to have Kevin James hooked up to an E-Meter, just to check for any potential problems. I will have Leah Remini reach out to him and see what we can do. What about another Independence Day? Maybe see if we can work in some of L’s teachings in order to help spread the good word. What about you and John Travolta working together? If all else fails, maybe you should start a religion? HA!

Your Agent and Biggest Fan,

Julian Douglas

OT Level 4