The Blackout Diaries Diaries Vol. 3

For almost two years, Sean Flannery's live storytelling show The Blackout Diaries has been regularly selling out rooms like the Beat Kitchen and The Lincoln Lodge. The show features stories of booze-fueled bad decisions and drunken debauchery from comic performers, as well as the occasional regular person. Last month, the show launched a run of Saturday nights at The Lincoln Lodge and announced a partnership with Jeppson's Malört, Chicago's premiere cult liqueur. You can catch The Blackout Diaries every Saturday night at The Lincoln Lodge at 8pm. 

Over the next few weeks, Sean and the other producers of The Blackout Diaries (Matty Ryan and The Puterbaugh Sisters), will weigh in on a drinking-related subject that's close to their heart. This week, Matty Ryan shares his experiences with drinking-related injuries.

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Matty Ryan
Coproducer
Area of Expertise: Drunk Injuries

Of all the possible categories that exist across the vast spectrum of drunken expertise, the area in which I feel I have the market most cornered is drunken injuries.  I’m talkin’ like, a whole bunch.  Now, given the nature of these injuries, it should come as no surprise that they were all immediately preceded by a rollicking good time.  Remember when you were little, and you’d be playing a super-awesome game, and your mom would make you stop before someone got hurt?  I have always been, and seemingly always will be the one to get hurt.  Okay, look, is it a bummer when you fall out of a tree you’re climbing?  Yes.  Do you then stop climbing trees altogether?  For sure not.  Such is my relationship with drunken injuries.

In the interest of brevity, I’ve compiled a bulleted list of condensed injury stories.   They are in no particular order, and they have all very much happened to me.  This is not a comprehensive list, and some stories are even better than they sound.  Or worse, if you’re my mom.  Please insert the word “drunkenly” prior to every bullet.  

  • Fell while exploring a construction site, creating the biggest bruise I, my friends, and approximately 500 - 1000 strangers at Lollapalooza the next day, have ever seen in our entire lives.
  • Got stung by a Portuguese man o’ war.  On my penis.
  • Lacerated my big toe in a Michigan swamp, almost severing it completely.
  • Fell through a stranger’s roof in Thailand, falling one story to a concrete floor.  I broke my leg and needed stitches in two places. 
  • Spit diesel gasoline onto a fire.  The ultimate result was the removal of my facial hair.
  • Totaled a golf cart.  At a wedding.  A super-duper fancy wedding.
  • Almost drowned in the Mekong river after jumping in at 3am while staying on a remote fishing island in Laos.  I thought “everyone was doing it.”  I was the only one doing it.

There you have it, friends; an abridged history of selected drunken injuries.   I would say “sorry for partying,” but I’m not sorry*.  I just love adventures.

*If anything listed above has directly affected you financially or emotionally, I am in fact, truly sorry for partying.

-Matty Ryan