The Blackout Diaries Diaries Vol. 4

For almost two years, Sean Flannery's live storytelling show The Blackout Diaries has been regularly selling out rooms like the Beat Kitchen and The Lincoln Lodge. The show features stories of booze-fueled bad decisions and drunken debauchery from comic performers, as well as the occasional regular person. The Blackout Diaries launched a run of Saturday nights at The Lincoln Lodge earlier this year and soon after announced a partnership with Jeppson's Malört, Chicago's premiere cult liqueur. You can catch the show every Saturday night at The Lincoln Lodge at 8pm.

Over the last few weeks, Sean and the other producers of The Blackout Diaries (Matty Ryan and The Puterbaugh Sisters), have weighed in on a drinking-related subject that's close to their heart. For the final installment Tiffany Puterbaugh is here to share her knowledge of the many forms of alcohol.

Tiffany Puterbaugh
Area of Expertise: Drinks

Every drunk has several theories about his or her drinking. For example, “you can't get drunk if you’re drinking at home,” or “it’s not drinking if it’s white wine.” Some people say Tequila makes you angry, others say Vodka keeps you skinny and wasted. Whichever way you drink it, alcohol gets you drunk. But there are different kinds of drunk.

Here is a party girl’s brief synopsis of what to drink and what it will do to you when you drink it. I believe the saying is “when life hands you lemons, you buy yourself a bottle of vodka and make yourself a drink.”

Tequila will cause you to fight, fuck, or cry depending on your personality. If you’re lucky, it will cause you to do all three at the same time, which is a good way to spice up your relationship.  

This drink is popular among anyone looking to really party and the Hispanic community.

Vodka is a tricky elixir because it mimics water like Eddie Murphy mimics fat black women in his movies. Vodka makes you think you’re having several hydrating glasses of water. Next thing you know you are at Hydrate (the bar) dehydrated and grinding on a stranger.  

This drink is popular among bachelorettes, gay men and Lincoln Park girls trying to watch their figure.

Scotch is an acquired taste for people that have class. I don't drink scotch. 

This drink is popular amongst grandpas and hipsters who are reading Tolstoy at a crowded bar.

Cognac mimics whiskey in feelings and effects, but it just looks so much more sophisticated to hold a snifter. It has a little sweeter taste than scotch or whiskey, so fellas, it may be something to give the ladies to act like you know so much about the world. 

This drink is popular amongst rappers, the African American community and coincidentally old white men. You could say it crosses racial boundaries.

Whiskey is my favorite liquor and one of the only things I have ever trusted inside of me. Whiskey makes you want to have sex with everything; men, women, humans or trees. It gives you a certain type of euphoria that makes you feel as if you can do anything. For example, drive drunk or talk to that stranger at the bar who’s hair is to the side and is probably in a very avant garde band. 

This drink is popular amongst the Irish and all other humans.

In my book, drinking white wine doesn't count as drinking. How drunk can you really get off of white wine?  You can’t because of the crispness and the freshness and the light bodied taste. This drink is the best way to drink without drinking.

This drink is popular amongst Naperville divorced Moms looking to get fun, flirty, funky and sassy or any older women who may be wearing her leopard “going out top” and preying on young art students.

(Note:  I may fall into this category with 3-5 years.)

Red wine is a great way to get to know someone over dinner. The great trick to red wine is it seems like you are doing adult drinking. No matter how drunk you get, it is still just two adults having a nice evening, talking over politics and the weather. It never seems as if you’re partying when drinking red wine, even though you can get drunker than a frat boy on spring break. 

This drink will make you look like George Washington, as it may turn your teeth to wood.  If you're drinking enough of it on a date, it can look as if your mouth is made of mulch. Red Wine will make you want to:

  1. Talk for hours while solving nothing
  2. Make out pretty hard.

This Drink is popular amongst Italians and grownups.

So, in conclusion, go out tonight and drink whatever you want. Know that which each sip you are getting closer to accomplishing your goals. With every bottle you’re making someone’s dreams come true, but probably not your own.

Good luck and happy drinking, may your mistakes be funnier than they are sad. May your hangovers be curable with coffee and may each sip bring you closer to your future... The future of you buying another drink.

-Tiffany Puterbaugh