Sean Rose of the mighty Collectors Edition, a live essay show about pop culture and music and most importantly FEELINGS, is a huge, unironic fan of One Direction. You can listen to Sean and fellow CE member Rick Joyce talk about modern boy bands, specifically 1D on the Collector's Edition podcast. In advance of tonight's edition of Collectors Edition (8pm at the Upstairs Gallery) Sean sent over this proposition to the boys in One Direction.
Hey, One Direction! I'm gonna write your movie.
Yeah, that's right, you five handsome boyos with the fluffy hair and the vests! I am not fucking around. I am going to write your movie.
I don't care if aren't working on a movie, never announced that you are working on a movie, are taking no submissions for film scripts at this time and are confused that I am even broaching the subject. I, Sean David Rose, will write your movie. I'm the one guy who SHOULD write it. The one man on Earth BLESSED to write the Great One Direction Film.
Let's get real here, you toffee-chewing chucklefucks. You're on top of the world, the Hottest Pop Group Alive, two #1 albums in 2012 yeesh yadda poop. But you're not gonna be on top for long without expanding your blossoming multimedia empire, without showing the cynics that you can sing AND act. It's part of being a real pop phenomenon!
C'mon. The Beatles had a movie. Prince had a movie. The fucking Dave Clark Five had a movie. And now you're gonna have a movie.
And I'm gonna write it!
Now, all five of you might be asking in unison, "Why YOU?" (Which, in your adorable Brit accents, would sound more like "Why YOU, luv?") A reasonable, yet stupid, stupid question. Let me lay this out for you, boys.
1) I get you.
You hear me? I get you. I... GET you.
I am not some snarky blog fucko. I am not proposing this as an ironic giggle. I've got the Yearbook Editions of both of your records and I've listened to them so much that I can even tell your voices apart WITHOUT those Youtube videos that show who's singing what. I've watched all your high-larious "Spin The Harry" skits, deconstructed your individual X Factor auditions ("Hey There Delilah" - great pick, Louis) AND read my hardcover "Big Book Of One Direction" front to back.
I've even got your personalities nailed down: Harry, the quiet dreamhunk; Liam, everybody's friendly pal; Zayn, the chain-smoking badboy; Louis, the madcap Marx Brother; Niall the asshole bad person nobody likes or respects. Heck, it's like I know you all personally!
But it goes beyond all that surface-level popmania gobbledygook. I get your music, dudes. That's what it's really all about. Ignore all the critics who call your stuff overprocessed teenybopper Autotune garbage. You know what I'm hearing? Freedom. Freedom for teens. Freedom from their dads' Boston albums, their moms' Carpenters albums and their older sisters' Gotye albums. With every new infectious popjoy record you release, one more Teen is Free.
You are not just another boy band. You are the truest symbols of Modern Pop Liberation. Just IMAGINE if we made a MOVIE outta that!!
2) I'm a scrappy young man with IDEAS.
Have I written a film script before? No. Am I going to write you the script that will turn all five of you into top pop superstars?? YES.
Why? IDEAS, boys. I've got the IDEAS.
Here's only a few of em:
A Hard Day's Night, One Direction Style. This is almost too easy. We follow you boys while you escape hordes of screaming girls, mischevously pile on top of each other in kooky British phonebooths and jump around a bunch. Harry's mischevous grandfather (played by Rip Torn) tags along and cons the boys into performing a private concert for his snooty country club. Hilarity ensues!!
"Only One Direction: To The Future!!" You boys stumble upon a time machine in the basement of Simon Cowell's musty old castle and end up in the year 2566, a terrible future where boy bands are illegal under threat of Cosmic Heatdeath. When his four compadres are captured by the evil Anti-Teen Adult Police, it's up to plucky young Niall to save our pop future... one cute unassuming glance at a time.
The Cynical Music Industry Expose. This is only if you're REALLY ready to be taken seriously. You boys play the fictional boy band "Fun Insurrection," five hapless pawns of a crumbling music industry controlled by evil manager Byron Powell. After a gueling touring schedule drives you guy apart, Zayn is convicted of vehicular manslaughter, Liam overdoses on PCP and Harry releases 3 critically panned duet albums with Ke$ha. A welcome dose of reality. (OPTIONAL: make this animated, portray you boys as meek little rats and your manager as a snake that swallows you up)
A documentary documenting your agonizing 6-month-long attempt to kick Niall out of the band without hurting his tender feelings. Becuase we all know this is happening anyway.
Oh goodness, you're still not convinced?? Let's get to reason THREE...
3) Damnit, there's no TIME.
Let's not beat around the bush here. My life is short. Your careers might be shorter. You boys are getting less and less glowingly youthful by the second. We can't waste time with "who are you again"s or "these are awful ideas"s or "again, we have no plans to make a movie, you need to stop now"s. We've gotta make this movie NOW! Before pop as we know it DIES! Before we're all DEAD!!
...before The Wanted make a movie. Yeah, I said it. They might be working on one right NOW. You're gonna let those ugly weirdos beat you to the punch??
4) I am going to write this movie whether you hire me or not.
I am. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna sit here alone in my studio apartment and I'm gonna write the whole thing. And if you don't use it, it'll all be for nothing. Do you want that on your conscience? You're gonna let poor old Sean Rose sit here, pathetic and alone, with this 300 page script??
You won't. You CAN'T do that.
5) I've already started writing it.
6) It's done.
HOW MUCH am I getting PAID.