TRUE DOLPHIN FACTS FOR BIGTIME DOLPHIN FANS!!!!!!! AND ALSO SOME LIES TO SPICE THINGS UP!!!!!! by Kristina Felske

This Wednesday, December 3rd is the first preview for the brand new Annoyance musical, Penny, the F*ckable Dolphin: A Love Story. To celebrate its opening, writer/producer Kristina Felske wanted to share some true and not-so-true facts about her favorite marine mammal.

Try to guess which facts are FACT and which facts are FICTION!

  1. The dolphin is the only mammal that gives birth tail first!
  2. The average lifespan of dolphins is 17 years, but they can live up to 50! Dolphins be Golden Girls too, y’all!
  3. Dolphins have retractable penises that they sometimes use like hands!
  4. Dolphins have A+ vision, but C- smelling!
  5. Dolphins can jump up to 10 feet in the air!
  6. Dolphins have orgies!
  7. Human women give off similar pheromones as female dolphins! Male dolphins LOVE IT!
  8. Dolphins hunt in groups, or pods, by circling a school of fish so they form a tight ball. Then the pod takes turns going through the center of the fish-ball and chowing down!
  9. Dolphin skin heals quickly, like Wolverine!
  10. Dolphins often commit suicide in captivity!
  11. Dolphins refer to themselves by name using a series of individual clicks and whistles!
  12. Dolphins have to shut down half their brains when they rest—otherwise, they won’t be able to breathe! They also shut down half their brains when golf is on TV! Golf is boring!
  13. Dolphins are slowly teaching themselves to “walk” on their tails!
  14. Dolphins masturbate by wrapping wiggling eels around their dolphin cocks!
  15. Male dolphins often fuck other male dolphins to cement their bonds of friendship!
  16. A dolphin pod protects their female dolphins from being taken by rival dolphin pods! Dolphins are in gangs!
  17. Dolphins become bisexual late in life! Just like sorority girls!
  18. Dolphin intercourse can only last about 10 seconds, but can be repeated several times within an hour! You win some, you lose some!
  19. Dolphins love pregnant ladies and can sense a baby in the tummy! Dolphins are living pregnancy tests!
  20. Human-dolphin sexual relationships are not as rare as you think! Seven percent of zoophiles list the dolphin as their #1 choice of mate!
  21. Dolphins sometimes kill their babies and throw their brutalized bodies around for fun!
  22. Dolphins can sniff out bombs! They do it for the United States Army!
  23. Dolphins are monsters!
  24. Dan Marino!

TRUE:
1, 3, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 13 god help us, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 24

FALSE:
2. The fact is true, but dolphins cannot be Golden Girls, sry.
4. Although dolphins have terrific eyesight and a terrible sense of smell, it is impossible to apply a human letter grade to dolphin senses. This should read: “Dolphins have crrrkkk-crk-click-click-crrrk vision, but crrrkkkkkkkkk-click-click-crk smelling!”
5. Dolphins can jump up to 20 feet in the air!
12. Golf rules. Otherwise, dis true.
23. A monster is defined as “an imaginary creature that is typically large, ugly, and frightening.” Dolphins are real!
24. Dan Marino.

Penny, the F*ckable Dolphin: A Love Story is a dark musical comedy about the fatal attraction between Penny, a dolphin, and Zack, a human teenager. Set in 1968, both Zack and Penny struggle to come to terms with the fact that their union may never be accepted by their friends, family, or society at large. Based on the novel Wet Goddess (which was based on a true story!), Penny, the F*ckable Dolphin was written by Kristina Felske, directed by Megan
Johns, with musical direction by Tim Joyce.

 

The show runs Wednesdays at 8pm from December 3rd-February 18th (with no shows on December 24th or 31st). Tickets are available on the Annoyance website.