"I make a(n) (e)-zine collecting digital garbage culled from the internet called, Mechanical Yammering. Recently, I’ve been soliciting submissions. I received a .txt e-book from a Mr. M. Manningham, at an otherwise anonymous email address (email@example.com). He has asked I excerpt his work on a website dedicated to e-commerce, in hopes of finding a suitable illustrator for collaboration.
I’ll let you read the book for yourself, only prefacing that the text has absolutely nothing to do with search engine optimization."
Mastering Surf-Engine Optimization
by: Manny Manningham
Imagine you are in a room. Now, imagine there are walls in that room. Imagine that the room has a floor. If you can, try picturing a door inside the room.
Pretty depressing, isn’t it?
Now, imagine you are in the ocean, the wind in your hair, the sea breathing salty on your skin. You’re not wearing a swimsuit, and that’s ok. You’re far out from shore so the only fish and gulls see your naked body.
Now, standing atop waves, like the god, Poseidon, himself, you shout, “I am the king of the ocean! I am master of the world!”
And the best part is: you’re right.
Sounds strange, doesn’t it? But you imagined it. It must be true. Or rather, because you imagined it, you’re going to make it true.
Thank you for downloading Mastering Surf-Engine Optimization. You, your life and your personal brand are well on the way to making a bold statement in modes of spatial transportation. Surf-Engines are a cutting edge new way to achieve movement, while maintaining a high rate of personal comfortability. They are also dynamic and eco-friendly.
I’m excited to teach you everything I know about surf-engines, and I hope you share this knowledge with friends and family (unless the only people reading this are my friends and family! Haha!). I want to especially thank my wife Linda.
Chapter I: What is a Surf-Engine?
In a sentence, a surf-engine is a surfboard powered by a mechanical engine welded to the back of it.
DIAGRAM OF MAN SURF-ENGINEERING & HAVING A GREAT TIME
Thus, Surf-Engine Optimization is the study of having a truly great time whenever you’re trying to ride a surf-board with an engine attached to the back of it.
But really, what is a surf-engine? Can it just be a surfboard with an engine attached to the back of it?
That’s the best part: it can.
Some Ivy League geniuses made a surfboard float while still being engine powered, so you don’t have to rely on pesky waves to move around anymore!
Upon first seeing surf-engines, many people ask: “Why does the big metal engine not just sink the thing?” The simple answer is, often times it does. But, skilled surf-engineers know how to make it not sink, most of the time. Then again, sometimes, it’s just gotta sink! That’s part of the fun! Or so they say.
Consider: You don’t ride a motorcycle because you can’t fall and kill yourself. You ride it because you can (fall and kill yourself). Fun stuff also has the most danger (e.g. four wheelers, parasailing, pre-marital sex, etc.) If this idea doesn’t make sense, maybe surf-engines aren’t for you. But don’t worry, I’ve got good news...
Surf-engines are for everybody!
Chapter IV: How to Pull Off Cool Stunts on Your Surf Engine
Finally, the good stuff: the true heart of surf-engine optimizing. What it means to “optimize” your surf-engineering is thinking of new ways to look cool.
Stunts are quite simple. It helps to be super-proficient at riding a surf-engine, but, as surf-engine legend Jimmy Sticks used to say, “One can never really master riding a surf-board with an engine attached to the back of it.”
What’s more important than skill when becoming an optimized surf-engineer, is the ability to “go with the flow.” Both literally, in that water flows, and figuratively, as surf-engines often malfunction, so always be ready to improvise new tricks to keep your machine afloat.
TITLE: is the title of the trick, DESCRIPTION: is what the trick looks like and how the trick is done, and ALT: is the opposite version of the trick. TAGS are possible subtle flourishes added to the trick, with abbreviations explained in TAGS DATABASE. KEYWORD is what someone who has no idea what they’re talking about would call a trick (it’s important to be versed in keywords to properly converse with admirers).
DESCRIPTION: Pop up the board by putting weight to the engine.
ALT: (Nollie) Pop up the board engine first.
TAGS: #5A, #PF
TITLE: The Howard
DESCRIPTION: Flip off a wave with the board at your feet
ALT: (The Howie) Flip onto a wave with the board in your hand
TAGS: #CA, #LCG, #PF
TITLE: The Sooby Dooper
DESCRIPTION: Go underneath the water, come back up.
ALT: (Scoopy Doober) Go underneath the water, keep going down.
TAGS: #CA, #5A, #LCG, #PF
DESCRIPTION: Spin board with your feet.
ALT: (Phlih-Phlah) Flip the board with your feet.
TAGS: #DD, #FA, #LCG, #PF
TITLE: The Skrimshaw
DESCRIPTION: Teeter taughter the boarl, balancing back and forth.
ALT: (Scrimchower) Ride the board sideways.
TAGS: #5A #LCG, #PF
AND MANY MORE
The Dr. Driver -- Sit on board and do tricks while sitting. #DD
Christ Air -- Hold surf-engine out sideways, as if crucified on a cross. #CA
5 Alarm -- Use surf engine like a pogo stick. #5A
Pulsifier -- Ride surf-engine while monitoring pulse. #PF
Lucy Crushing Grapes -- Ride surf-engine while stomping feet. #LCG
AND MANY MORE!
THIS ENDS FREE PREVIEW
"I was disappointed to learn Manny only sent an excerpt. He refuses to explain anymore of his revolutionary ideas without the help of clear and concise diagrams."
If you know of an illustrator who can bring surf-engines to life, please email: