In addition to their weekly show at iO, the all-female improv group Super Human runs an awesome blog
featuring anonymous true stories full of youthful obliviousness, body
fluids, and sex stuff from each of the team's 10 members. The
mind-blowing twists and horrifying feats of childhood embarrassment
chronicled on this blog are punctuated with awesome one-liners that
totally kill in and out of context. The gals from Super Human sent over a
list of their ten favorite quotes from past Freaky Friday entries, as
well as a new story exclusive to the Steamroller!
- My dad gave me a dollar that he either wiped with or found in the port-a-potty. Truth. (Story #10)
- She desired to grow her hair long so she could walk around the apartment topless and have her mermaid hair cover her na-na’s. She did. (Story #5 - Black Friday)
- That stain also did not cum out (it was silk), so another great article of clothing fell victim to the ol’ hand job. (Story #2)
- The fog in my mind lifted as I realized: Jeff From Houston broke my hymen. Talk about a Code Red! (Story #7)
- He came limping over and proceeded to kick the bucket over telling me “you gotta let em’ dry out” (Story #15)
- In an instant he reared back like a horse, hocking as he heeled, and thrust forward releasing a loogie right into my pretty little hot tempered face. (Story #6)
- His response? “Jail bait.” Confused, I looked to Coco for an explanation and she mouthed “It’s a compliment”. (Story #8)
- I LOVED romance, and the idea of getting swept off my feet and riding off into the sunset sounded GREAT. Give me that closed mouth kiss! (Story #13)
- YEAH BECAUSE I GAVE A BJ IN A SAUNA! (Story #11)
- He was all riled up from the spoon-humping, and I was all amped from feeling like we might get in trouble, and we just HAD to make out with our shirts off." (Story #4)
In high school I was heavily involved in my church's youth group. I lived in a boring town and youth group offered us kids a place to hang out and get free pizza as long as we sat through a quick prayer or two. Plus, free trips to Six Flags!
There wasn't a lot of religion talk that kept us coming back, we liked hanging out and having the church pay for pizza and our youth group leader was fun. We all sat together during church on Sundays and got in trouble for talking, often exchanging cartoons of Jesus getting crucified by ninja stars.
We were a rowdy bunch, but knew how to walk the line of following the rules just enough to get away with some bad stuff when our youth pastor Travis wasn't paying attention. I made fast friends with the group and even found love with my first boy friend Bobby.
One summer, when the majority of us are between 15 and 16, it's decided that we'll all be going to church camp in North Carolina. It's a sleep away camp in the south where youth groups from across the country meet to worship and praise, but we came to party. It was very much like the camp in Addams Family Values, lots of yuppies in pastels and smiles and Jesus.
There was about a dozen of us boys and girls and we split into different gendered bunks. Our youth pastor stayed with the boys and the girls' chaperones, including Bobby's mom, slept in a private cabin nearby; the girls were thought to be sweet enough not to need someone sleeping with them, but on our first night, they found out they were wrong - we had a plan.
The girls bunk sat in PJs bouncing off the walls as we waited in hushed excitement for the boys to come over. The boys were busy setting up their escape from Pastor Travis's cool dude clutches. They hid a tape recorder and started recording their conversations as they talked and Travis started to fall asleep, as soon as he started to drift off more, they stopped recording and began to replay the conversation so it would sound like they were still in the cabin.
Around midnight they crept into our cabin and the party started. Ricky (whose Mom was also a chaperone) had brought a bag full of hooch he had paid a coworker at his fast food job to buy especially for this trip. We all giggled and passed around he bottles. Eventually we started getting tipsy and sleepy and a few of the couples in the group kind of broke away and the lights went out.
Bobby and I had just started dating, he was my first kiss and he set my hormones on fire. We laid close together in the dim light and wanted to make out but didn't want to be noisy. Eventually hormones prevailed and we started to carefully kiss in silence.
So there we are lying on the carpet covered in a sleeping bag surrounded by our friends in a church camp cabin just trying to get our freak on in slow motion. Suddenly I felt his hand go into the waistband of my PJ bottoms. Whoa, we were moving into unfamiliar territory. The combination of the hooch and the excitement of being in such a forbidden place had made him bold. I decided it was okay, I wanted to see where this was gonna go. Then he went for it, he just poked me with his finger right in the puss. Getting fingered is every girls dream and here I was unimpressed as his cold finger jabbed around down there, surely there was something wrong with me.
Ricky started talking loud in the other cabin and we both got spooked. Bobby brought his hand back to his side and I was relieved, yet felt like I had really accomplished something. In the wee hours of the morning the boys returned to the bunk undetected, or so they thought.
The next morning, after breakfast, we all had to meet on the porch of the girls chaperone's cabin. Sitting in rocking chairs, looking at the lake, we sat around talking. I was sitting with my head held a little higher, a boy had touched my vagina, I was a woman now.
Then Bobby's mom, a large, in charge woman with an intimidating 'fro of frizzy hair took the floor and began with "y'all have fun last night?" The air left everyone's body in a moment. We. were. busted. Apparently Pastor Travis woke up later in the night to an empty cabin. Bobby's mom was in a fury that mixed company was left alone unsupervised (luckily the alcohol was never discovered). She ranted and raved about how we were all an embarrassment to her and the church. She then pointed at me and Bobby and said "I cannot believe my baby would do such a thing, you are just sixteen years old, SIXTEEN, you have no business spending the night together."
I was mortified. I wanted to Alex Mack myself into a puddle of goo and slide away from the moment forever. She knew. I thought. SHE KNEW. She knew I had been fingered and my heart raced as my shame grew bigger. She knew and Jesus knew and it was time to start praying for forgiveness.