Top 10 Rejected Late Live Show Jokes

The fifth season of The Late Live Show is coming to a close this weekend, after another wildly successful run. One of my favorite portions of the show is also the loosest: when Joe Kwaczala and Joe McAdam, host and cohost, read off some of the week's rejected jokes while the musical guests set up. These jokes are puerile, bizarre, and occasionally prefaced by "oh god, I can't read this..." 

As a sort of pre-finale victory lap, I asked the writers to submit a list of their favorite rejected jokes from this season. Joe McAdam compiled 10 of their favorites and provided the following intro. 

The Late Live Show Season 5 finale is this Saturday, October 6th, at 8pm at Stage 773. Click here to preorder tickets.

"Each week at The Late Live Show, 10 writers submit jokes for the monologue, typically 6 of which make it to the show.  Dozens of jokes are thrown away because they're awful, immature, crude, mean, too "penis-y", lame, not funny, way too weird or, (more often than any of those other reasons) there are too many dog jokes on the show already.  So here's a list of 10 crappy jokes that never made it."

1.  A Time magazine cover showing a woman breastfeeding a four year old boy caused controversy this week but not nearly as much controversy as expected by their next two cover stories "Lemonade in America" and "Round the corner: A shocking look at where our fudge is made"

2.  A report released this week shows that nearly 40 percent of all 911 calls in New York are caused by butt dialing. When asked to comment, a butt pooped on a microphone.

3.  A pastor was arrested for exposing himself by a public playground this week, his excuse was that he was urinating in a bottle. He had spent hours coaxing the urine out by watching children play.

4.  A man in South Carolina, who served time in prison for having sex with a horse, was released this week, free to go right back to fucking that same horse.

5.  Recently a pair of Queen Elizabeth II’s underwear was sold at auction.  While the purchase price is currently undisclosed, it is believed they were bought by a cheeky roustabout.

6.  This week in Poland, a 17 puppy litter was delivered by cesarean section from some dog that's no doubt a huge slut.

7.  Italian researchers have discovered that the model used for the famed Mona Lisa was a man. "Uh oh, really?" said a spokesperson for guys that masturbate to weird things.

8.  A man in Arizona suffered severe injuries after trying to run through the glass window of a club while naked. After the incident, the man said, "Well, it's official! I'm not a ghost!"

9.  State officials in North Dakota received a tip from an 82-year-old man that led to the surprising discovery that North Dakota isn't technically a state. They say that from now on, they will take the elderly more seriously and are already investigating claims like "this soup is too cold" and "the man, he looked at me."  

10.  An enraged man recently entered a tattoo parlor and attacked employees with both a samurai sword and an electric guitar. When asked for their opinion on the incident, the Wachowski brothers jizzed Mountain Dew all over the place.